Jeremy and Christine called me into the boardroom called North
America and said we'd like to speak to you, and at that point you
always know what's going to happen: you're going to get fired.
Jeremy said it as soon as we all sat down: "We're letting you go,
Jenn." It wasn't that I'd been a bad employee, or lazy, or tardy,
or even that I hadn't done the work. It was that I "wasn't a
good fit." I offered a protest: "But I was here everyday, and I
improved constantly, and I did everything anybody asked of
me." Jeremy kept saying that all he could say was that he
was sorry. I wasn't a good fit. And once the panic swept over me and I
started breathing hard and crying and saying things like, "I'm so scared,"
and "But I tried so hard," Jeremy tried to tell me that it would be okay, and I said it wouldn't, how could he say that, he had a savings and made probably five times more than me, it would be okay for him, but not for me. It was so hard to find a job last time. I played on the subways. I got fired from everything I worked at. There was nothing I could do because my resume was too good and I was too focused on music.
I was just speaking in gasps and really taking it hard and offering in desperation to dye my hair back, but Jeremy said, "You're hair's fine, Jenn, it's not that" and they were being very patient with me. I said some very sweet and noble things like, "Will Seth be okay?" and "I'm really sorry if I messed everything up for you guys," and "I'm sorry I went to the doctor so much," and "Good luck to both of you," because I knew it might make them feel bad. All they said was, "Please don't take this personally."
But after it just seemed pointless, with me trying to think of more things to say and all my bumpy inhalations and snotting, I said, I guess that's it, I guess I'll go now. I was imagining how earlier I'd asked Seth if he needed me today and he wouldn't even make eye contact, just shook his head no, but he also smiled at me more today than he ever ever had, the whole time I was on the job. Jeremy had me sign the separation agreement and I could barely hold the pen to sign my name because I was crying so hard.
I cleaned out my desk with Christine watching although I managed to steal some stamps, and I said tiny self-deprecating things to make her feel worse, like, "Can I please keep the Kleenex?" and "I've never cleaned out my desk before, this is intense." I wanted to say goodbye to Jeffrey because he had been so kind to me and he had come to my shows. Christine said she would tell him to meet me downstairs. and I went down there and I was crying in the stairwell and a messenger boy came out of the elevator and said, "What's wrong?" and I said I'd just been canned, and he asked if I wanted him to go beat someone up. And I said, it's not like that. And he said, at least you live in New York City and there are a lot more jobs out there to be had. And he said, just go get drunk and forget about it.
By the time he had left Christine came out and said Jeffrey's in a meeting till I don't know when, should I just have him call you? and I said, I guess so, you have my number, it was on my resume to begin with. She said, promise me you'll go to temp agencies first thing tomorrow, and I said, sure. I realized I didn't have any resumes and I needed some, and I asked her if I could come print them out, and she said no problem, you can print out TWENTY, she was feeling generous. So I went back upstairs and Jeremy saw me and ran into Seth's office to make sure that we didn't run into each other, and I thought, "Because Seth is a coward!! Who pays for his lunches with 100 dollar bills!!" and I printed off 40 resumes and grabbed the name plate I had forgotten. I wanted it because it seemed sad and funny to have a name plate from a job that fired me. I was imagining that Jeremy was explaining to Seth how hard I had taken being fired, and reprimanding Seth for letting someone go who was clearly capable of doing the job well, and who really needed it. But I bet they were just talking about stocks.
Jeffrey walked by the front desk and I said to him, "Can I talk to you." He said sure, and I said, "Not here, downstairs," and I went down alone and waited for him. The second he stepped out of the elevator and put his arms around me and I said, "They just fired me," I started crying, sobbing, crying like women cry in movies with all that sound and the wah-ha-haaaaaaaa that sputters into staccatoed breathing, and he just held me and let me do that for a while. Some Visible World people were coming out of the elevator, it was 5:30 and everyone was leaving, and they all were just surprised to see and hear someone crying like that at the stairs, especially that it was me crying in Jeff's arms. And they all left.
I said to Jeff, "I'm going to miss these weird people." Huge Sean the IT guy with food spilled on his shirt. Skinny Marjorie all businesslike and young and beautiful. Spacey eyed Dara who works out everyday and who writes her music in something called, "My Musical Diary." Carmine who rapped on my desk every time he passed it. Christine being passive aggressive every single second. Steve joking about winning the lottery. All the meek and goofy Dutch engineers, Able and Michael-Dennis and Erik Van de Pol. Definitely Jeff, with his crazy blue eyes and his stories about his children and his friend Peter Dizozza, and his willingness to explain the company to me and all the lame things about it. Even Jeremy with his "how's music going?" question everyday.
I won't really miss Seth, his helplessness and whiny inflexibility, not after his grand fete of passive aggressiveness, not even having the balls to tell me how to improve or tell me I wasn't a good fit. For not having the balls to tell me the REAL reason I was getting fired, instead of leaving it at that watery "not a good fit" excuse, which really means nothing, and offers me no chance to improve myself so I don't get fired forwhat? the eighth time since December? ADS Marketing, the doctor's office, Where Books Begin, Michiko, bookstore, the temp job, Visible World, and whatever's next?
Anyway Jeff was awesome, and he looked at me and he said, "I'm so sorry you had such a shitty job, and I'm more sorry that you needed it so badly." And he talked about how I am overqualified and how that job was an impossible situation for me because nothing ever happened in the company anyway, and there was no way to move up and no way to demonstrate my strengths. I had to sit there for 8 hours a day and practice Microsoft Word. And no one had really ever lasted at that desk anyway. And he said that my art is undermining my livelihood. And he really hoped that the time we had spent talking in the back office didn't influence Seth's letting me go at all, although it probably had, because I had been away from the front desk and Seth was mad about that even though he could have called my cel phone anyway, but I told Jeff, no, please don't worry about that. And Jeff offered me an old Mac computer, to look for a job on, if I could just get up to his house to get it. He looked at my resume and he said that I shouldn't ever expect to make any money anyway. It was all reassuring because I started to feel like I wasn't such a freak and I started to feel like I had been victimized by being let go and that I was in a rough situation anyway and it's really positive that I've gotten out. And it's always nice to feel like you've been victimized because then you feel like it wasn't your fault.
Jeffrey took me on the bus and downtown on the subway to meet Casey near the studio in Chelsea where he works, and Jeff talked about how he had had a bad time with employment too. He is a filmmaker and he's doing technical editing shit jobs because at this point he has a house and two kids and an artistic wife like me who is brilliant but unable to make money and all that. He took me all the way to meet Casey and the first thing he said was, "It was a horrible job for her," to Casey, so Casey would know that it hadn't been my fault and that my getting fired was a positive thing. Jeff gave me a hug and we told each other you're awesome and I said I'd be in touch and I kissed my fingers and waved at him and he walked down the street. I imagined that he would tell his wife what happened that night and they would both feel sorry for me and angry.
But he was gone and I almost forgot about him because I was with Casey and his face always makes me want to cry anyway. He hugged me and I stood there crying and he kissed my eyes where all the tears were, and then we went to go see our friend Mike play music at the Living Room by Houston which distracted me a little until I would find myself crying all over again at the table. We sat with my friend Sheila who said she might be able to get me a job at The Rising Bar and could I house sit for her this weekend, because then I would get to use her computer and look for jobs. When she said that, I felt blessed because I had gotten fired and right away two people who I don't even know that well offered me help. I called Heather and asked her not to cash the checks I had given her for all the money I owed, because I got downsized. I euphemized it so my family wouldn't be so mad at me. I thought a lot about how hard it would be to tell my parents about all this because they are such sweet people and just want the best for me, and they'd be worried and disappointed all over.
A lot more things happened, Casey bought me apple juice and I started circling new jobs in the Village Voice, those hyped-up telemarketing bullshit ads, and I felt exhausted from crying so much and Casey and I got on the L and went home to his house, where I started making lists about what to do and how to live and everybody I need to get in touch with and how I can possibly find my way to stay in New York because I still don't want to leave. And that's what it was like to get fired the seventh time.
